“Are you happy with the way you spent your money in 2021?”
“Are you happy with your finances at the end of 2021?”
I asked my friends these questions during the festive meet ups and their answers were surprisingly depressing. Like me, most of them felt that they could have earned more or felt guilty about over-spending.
Almost no one is happy with their finances. While it was comforting for me to know that I am not alone, it is also sad to know that many of my dear friends also have an unhappy relationship with money.
My First Anxiety Attack at 35
To be honest, I was not aware of my attitude towards money until late 2021, when I suffered a panic attack. I had been experiencing a lot of unexplained tension for months which I chose to suppress and distracted myself through gaming. However the more I suppressed it, the greater the tension built. And one day it exploded in an anxiety attack that really shocked myself.
When I eventually calmed down, I started to reflect deeply and I finally found the root cause to my months of discomfort – I was anxious about spending money, and I was fearful of not having enough money for my loved ones.
I have two daughters aged 2 and 5. My wife is a Mumpreneur. We had decided for her to be the main caretaker for our young kids, while running a small business on the side. As such, most of the financial needs of the family will be borne by me during this period, till the kids grow up. This was manageable until I was thrown a curve ball in 2020. An unfortunate and unforeseen incident took place, and I made the painful decision to fork out a large sum of money to support a family member who is very dear to me.
This depleted a large chunk of my emergency funds and since then a looming fear has been building which eventually manifested in the form of an anxiety attack. I was anxious to build back my emergency funds and had been uptight about my family’s spending for the entire year, and I was fearful of potential events that will drain my resources again. Most importantly, I was afraid that I cannot be the provider for my loved ones. The anxiety and fear were literally eating me alive.
These subconscious thoughts manifested as emotional outbursts – like an open wound that would cause great pain, I was easily triggered. There was one time when I raged at my wife about our family expenses, something that I had never questioned her about in all our years together.
My Realizations & Clarity
It was through my reflections that it clicked for me – the event triggered a long-standing belief that I had, and this belief was conditioned since young from my mum – My family is poor and needs money, so I cannot anyhow spend.
I was raised by parents who were constantly struggling to make ends meet, and my mum would always tell me:
“We are poor so we cannot afford to buy things you like.”
“We don’t have much money so don’t anyhow spend”
“Others can do what they want, but not us, because we are poor.”
That moment of clarity was sobering for me. I came to see how my mum’s own anxiety about the lack of money has been embedded in me since and that my relationship with money was not consciously formed by me. While I can understand now why she did that, and that was the best she could do at that point, I also recognized that I no longer need to be shackled by her beliefs. I knew I had to break this cycle and to form my own beliefs about money.
My Breakthrough - Arigato Money
As if everything happened for a reason, in the same period, I got acquainted with this concept by Ken Honda called ARIGATO MONEY and led to one of my biggest personal breakthrough in 2021.
The essence of this concept is simply to appreciate the flow of money – from the moment we received it to the point where we spent it. The book he wrote is called HAPPY MONEY and it will be on my reading list for this year.
Exploring this concept made me ask some deeper questions regarding money:
What do I appreciate about my current financial situation?
What am I grateful for, about how I had earned my money?
How does spending this money contribute to my life and well-being?
How does this expense impact the lives and well-being of my loved ones?
The practice of being present about how I spent my money, and just being thankful and appreciating what it has done for me, gave me a lot of positive energy to keep exploring what it actually means to me.
Being At Peace with Spending Money
It took me a few months to examine and define my own attitude and beliefs about money. I am glad I made peace with my spending habits and my current financial state, as well as acknowledged the good financial decisions I had made so far.
One question that helped me was to reflect on the times where I felt good spending money.
These were some of my responses:
· 2015 - The 4-month long sabbatical with my wife, traveling around Europe before we had kids
· 2019 - My lasik operation that made me look and feel better
· 2021 - The recent house purchase that gave the family more space and moved us nearer to our kids’ future primary school
· The regular family experiences, outings and staycations that brought our relationships closer
· The gifts and treats for my close friends that gave me a chance to appreciate them and celebrate our friendship
My answers helped me see who are important to me and where I place my priorities – I am clear now that when I spend money on people or in areas I care for, the happiness outweighs the anger or guilt that I had towards spending.
My Money Goals for 2022
There are many exciting things in life that I want to do. One goal I have for 2022 is to go overseas for a couple of months with my wife and kids, to travel and experience more things with them before my eldest daughter start primary school in 2023. This is money I am happy to spend on.
Another goal I have for 2022 is to pay-it-forward more. I started this year with a small act of contributing to the crowd sourced SG fund initiated by a group of Singaporeans for our national sports hero, Loh Kean Yew. I made that decision after learning that he did not earn anything from becoming the world champion and bringing glory to himself as well as Singapore. As a sportsman myself, I understood how impactful it can be if there were more funding to help younger athletes. Most importantly, I was truly happy parting with that money and sending it over to him, because that action is in line with my core belief. A big shout out over here to LKY for inspiring the whole nation!
I cannot express how free I feel now, removing myself from the shackles of past conditioning and the anxiety of spending money. When I was in that mode, I could only think short term, and was constantly worried about very narrow, negative situations that may not even happen. That added a lot of stress to myself and my loved ones as well. Now that I am released from that, I found renewed energy and power to focus on longer term visions and goals that will propel me forward towards the next bound. I know that what I have now is enough and am clear of the steps to take to secure my future. And I am glad to have found a way to have a happy relationship with money.
So my parting question to you is this:
What is that one experience, goal or item that you will truly feel happy spending your money on for 2022?
Raymond Xu is an authorized Financial Consultant representing finexis advisory Pte Ltd. This article contains only his personal views and opinions and is for informational purposes only. The information provided is of a general nature only and does not take into account your specific objectives, needs and financial situation. The information may not be appropriate to your individual needs and should not be relied upon as financial advice. You should seek advice from your financial consultant before making any financial decisions.
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